Monogamy is the default relational model of our society. Once you find this one, you get engaged. Then you get married. And There you go ! You are with one person for the rest of your life. It could be heartwarming happiness for some. To others, it may sound like a trap. The good news is that there are alternative options for those who feel limited by monogamy, one of which includes open relationships.

As it turns out, over 20% of people in the United States who participated in a 2016 study reported engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). “Open relationships can fall into a wide range depending on a couple’s needs and comfort level,” says dating coach and founder of The Broom List Tennesha Wood. “The term open generally refers to the practice of ethical non-monogamy [ENM] in which couples open their relationship to the possibility of including other people in one way or another; emotionally, romantically and / or sexually.

While open relationships are certainly becoming less taboo and more widely understood these days, there are still tons of misconceptions surrounding them. Wood says the most common include:

• They are all about sex.
• People in open relationships are unable to commit.
• People in open relationships are confused and don’t know what they want.
• These types of arrangements mean that one or both parties no longer want to be with the other.

None of the above answers are correct. Open relationships don’t have to be purely physical. Engagement issues aren’t always the case either. There should be no confusion to have a freer arrangement. And you may want to be with your partner while wanting other people too. So why would a couple choose non-monogamy? And why is it worth it for them to make their open relationship work despite the challenges that may arise?

TZR took to Wood for his advice on how to navigate open relationships and asked people about why they choose to be a part of it and what they do to make it work.

Set clear boundaries

“Open relationships should not be concluded casually or without clear boundaries, ”says Wood. “Each person should have a clear vision of what they want outside of their primary relationship. From there, they can decide which form of [ENM] best suits their needs.

Wood lists four popular types of open relationships to choose from:

• Monogamous: having casual, strictly sexual encounters with other people
• Swinging: having sex with another couple or swapping partners
• Polyamory: having multiple sexual and romantic relationships simultaneously
• Relational anarchy: have multiple relationships without hierarchy; no relationship is “primary” and everyone is considered equal in terms of priority

She recommends that couples discuss individual and shared boundaries by asking themselves questions such as: How badly do you want to know who your partner is having sex with or dating? Do you want to be there or participate in your partner’s sexual activities? Are there prohibited sexual acts?

“No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, open relationships will involve trial, error and flexibility,” she says. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it is important that couples communicate openly every step of the way and allow room for change.”

Favor open communication

Before opening up your relationship, Wood suggests making sure your reasons and goals align. “For couples who have a healthy partnership, allowing others to come in can foster exploration, honesty, and communication,” she says. “Opening a relationship that has trust or communication issues won’t solve those issues. In fact, it makes them worse.

“I’m in an open relationship because, in my current partnership, that translates into radical honesty with ourselves and with each other,” says Dez *, 26. “The sexy and difficult conversations strengthen my relationship and bond with my partner in really intense ways that otherwise wouldn’t manifest, and that’s why I prefer the ‘open’ paradigm we’ve created.”

For Gina *, 29, sharing feelings and needs is the key to her open partnership (where she is the only one to actively engage in non-monogamy). “Ever since I grew up religiously, I have always told my husband that I wanted to know what it was like to be with someone else. Username [spend] late at night talking about it and he wasn’t bothered or scared, ”she recalls. He eventually told her that he would give him a pass, especially because having another partner might help ease his anxiety while he’s away for work for days. “He would see that when he was gone several days at a time, I would have another partner and that would help me a lot to be calm. [before] he would come home. She has been with other people ever since.

While Gina’s husband doesn’t choose to engage in other relationships on his own, the two have figured out how to make the open dynamic benefit both of them. “[Opening our marriage] strengthens us because we have no secrets and we are not afraid to cheat. I have always had a bad temper and when he allowed me to continue outside of marital relationships it made me more patient. I used to get mad over very little things and now I’m like, ‘If he can afford to have another partner and be so mature about it, why do I get upset over little things? ? ‘ “

Remember jealousy can be a factor

Make no mistake about it: Jealousy always exists in open relationships. And it takes a ton of self-awareness and openness to deal with it in a healthy way together to keep things from going wrong.

“I am fortunate to have an extremely patient partner who is ready to be really gentle and caring to me when jealousy and insecurity arises in me,” adds Dez, who feels prone to jealousy due to relationships. tumultuous past. “He’s more able to see jealousy as an emotion equal to any other emotion, and alchemy the feeling into something more sensual, rather than something ugly to fear.” It’s something that I admire about him and that I strive towards, because being controlled by an emotion, for me, is like being in prison, and the door is wide open, ”she explains. . “I want to be free! And I can, just by choosing not to hold on to jealousy.

Establish rules that respect your needs

Some partners want to know all the details of each date. Others have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Aaliyah *, 24, has a sugar deal and additional casual partners outside of it. “[My sugar daddy and I] originally had an opening [relationship] where we were talking about our other partners, and that made him too jealous, so he didn’t want to talk [about them] more, ”she says, noting that she personally enjoys hearing about her experiences.

As for Gina, what she “can and cannot” do changes with each partner outside of her marriage, but it is always discussed and agreed upon with her husband. Some of the rules within his partnership over the past few years include:

• Share your body but not your love.
• Call when you arrive on a date.
• Her husband has to be on board with every relationship.
• Each new partner must know and accept the fact that she has a husband and that he is aware of the arrangement.
• Make sure you feel safe and call as soon as possible if you don’t.

Breaking free from societal norms

“What I love most about an open relationship is saying ‘fuck you’ to the deep-rooted religious institutions and misogynistic ideals I was born into,” says Nikki *, 28. “These institutions say that I am fulfilled as a woman only when I enter into marriage, that I must remain submissive and submissive, that I must be ashamed of any sexual intercourse that is outside of reproduction. These institutions (heteronormatively) tell me to hate other women who threaten my bond with my partner.

For her, non-monogamy destroys these rules and provides a space to become curious and explore the ideas that mean the most to her and her partner. “Being in an open relationship, for me, is all about exploration, playfulness and lessening the fear of dark and messy feelings,” she says. “I am aware of the way to go – to unravel many years of programming / conditioning that I had no say in and I am ready for this hard work, for this opportunity to set the shame on fire that has never been mine to wear. “

Embrace a world of endless opportunities

Aaliyah personally enjoys having the freedom to explore her feelings to the fullest: “I don’t have to worry about whether it’s okay or not. It should be fine!”

“If someone gets jealous, we’ll usually talk about the value of the relationship,” she says. “If they’re okay with not talking about it and keeping it under the table, it usually works. Otherwise, it’s just not compatible. It is up to you and your partner (s) to decide which dynamics and rules work best for you. Communicating openly about your wants and needs will help you get there.

She also likes being able to discover the world and the lives of others. “I believe relationships are something to explore and enjoy, and they are one of the most exciting parts of life,” she says. “I don’t believe in one person forever. Yes to a life partner, but not to one and only. It allows me to experience things outside of my normal realms of possibility. “

In the end, it’s up to you and your partner to decide which rules work best for your relationship. Every partnership is different. But if these stories teach anything, it’s that open relationships are worth it if maximum freedom, fun, joy, and opportunity are your top priorities.

* Last names have been omitted for confidentiality reasons.