Many parents are overwhelmed by the idea of ​​telling their children about gender and gender identity. And that’s understandable, says Jeffrey Cohen, Psy.D., psychologist at ColumbiaDoctors and assistant professor of medicine at Columbia University Irving Medical Center. “We can all find it difficult to talk about gender identity or expression, as well as gender orientation and gender identity,” he says. But don’t let this discomfort prevent you from having frank and ongoing discussions about these issues with your children.

A reason to prioritize these cats? You cannot rely on schools to provide this information to students. For example, while sexual health education is compulsory in New York City schools, sex education is not.

“When children do not receive comprehensive sexuality education, it has detrimental effects regardless of who these children are,” says Ryan Mateo Sharnbroich, M.Ed., MPH, sexuality education consultant. Children do not learn about healthy relationships and intimacy, as well as information about safe sex and consent.

6 tips for talking to kids about gender and gender identity

“If we want our children to have healthy, happy and enjoyable lives, we have to take this responsibility and fill these gaps,” adds Mateo Sharnbroich. This includes talking about sex, but also about sexual and gender identity.

Here’s what you need to know to get started.

Do your homework.

An understanding of basic concepts is helpful for parents, according to Dr. Cohen, but it’s also reasonable not to know what terms to use. “Certainly the language has changed a lot over time,” he says.

You will want know all the words that make up the acronym LGBTQ: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (or, sometimes, questioning). In addition, know the difference between:

• Sex: This is assigned by doctors at birth based on the genitals.
• Gender expression or gender presentation: This is how someone expresses their gender (think: hairstyle and clothes, and also how a person behaves).
• Gender Identity: This refers to a person’s internal understanding of gender-separated from a person’s sex assigned at birth, says Dr. Cohen. “There are many ways to experience your gender that transcend the binary. [of man/woman]. ”
• Sexuality: It explains who a person is attracted to.

Think of these basics as a foundation that will help you feel more informed and comfortable having these conversations, adds Dr. Cohen.

It’s good not to have all the answers.

“Your responsibility is not to be an encyclopedia and regurgitate facts for your children,” says Mateo Sharnbroich. Instead, you want to make two things clear to children: you are aware of gender and gender diversity; you like and accept people however they identify or express themselves. “This value system matters more than the ability to know and teach all the facts,” he says.

Don’t put off conversations in adolescence.

When it comes to talking about sex, gender identity and sexual orientation, Mateo Sharnbroich says there’s never a bad time to start. By age 3, most children know their gender, he notes. And while the understanding of sexuality comes later, that doesn’t mean you should refrain from discussing these topics. “Very young children can understand a variety of family structures,” he says.

Look for natural openings for conversation.

Your child’s questions and observations will often provide an opportunity to talk about gender and sexuality. For example, your preschooler may point out that a nuclear family is different from yours. Older children can talk about a friend whose gender identity is different from theirs. Children of all ages can make gender-based statements (ie “only girls like princesses”).

Be honest and age appropriate in your answers. Give preschoolers simple, concrete answers and encourage older children to share their own thoughts and perspectives. And note that with teens it can be helpful to ask questions. Even if they don’t respond right away, they’ll understand you’re open to discussion.

If the teaching moments and questions don’t happen on their own, encourage them through culture. Watching TV or reading age-appropriate LGBTQ + books together can start conversations and give parents the opportunity to share their values. “There are books and TV shows for children of all ages that show a diverse portrayal of gender identities,” says Mateo Sharnbroich. Think of them as your point of entry.