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Home›Religious institutions›How to talk to your kids about gender identity

How to talk to your kids about gender identity

By William E. Lawhorn
July 1, 2021
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Experts share 6 tips for having those important conversations about gender and gender identity with your kids.

Through Madeleine Burry

July 1, 2021

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Many parents are overwhelmed by the idea of ​​telling their children about gender and gender identity. And that’s understandable, says Jeffrey Cohen, Psy.D., psychologist at ColumbiaDoctors and assistant professor of medicine at Columbia University Irving Medical Center. “We can all find it difficult to talk about gender identity or expression, as well as gender orientation and gender identity,” he says. But don’t let this discomfort prevent you from having frank and ongoing discussions about these issues with your children.

A reason to prioritize these cats? You cannot rely on schools to provide this information to students. For example, while sexual health education is compulsory in New York City schools, sex education is not.

“When children do not receive comprehensive sexuality education, it has detrimental effects regardless of who these children are,” says Ryan Mateo Sharnbroich, M.Ed., MPH, sexuality education consultant. Children do not learn about healthy relationships and intimacy, as well as information about safe sex and consent.

6 tips for talking to kids about gender and gender identity

“If we want our children to have healthy, happy and enjoyable lives, we have to take this responsibility and fill these gaps,” adds Mateo Sharnbroich. This includes talking about sex, but also about sexual and gender identity.

Here’s what you need to know to get started.

Do your homework.

An understanding of basic concepts is helpful for parents, according to Dr. Cohen, but it’s also reasonable not to know what terms to use. “Certainly the language has changed a lot over time,” he says.

You will want know all the words that make up the acronym LGBTQ: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (or, sometimes, questioning). In addition, know the difference between:

  • Sex: This is assigned by doctors at birth based on the genitals.
  • Gender expression or gender presentation: This is how someone expresses their gender (think: hairstyle and clothes, and also how a person behaves).
  • Gender Identity: This refers to a person’s internal understanding of gender-separated from a person’s sex assigned at birth, says Dr. Cohen. “There are many ways to experience your gender that transcend the binary. [of man/woman]. ”
  • Sexuality: It explains who a person is attracted to.

Think of these basics as a foundation that will help you feel more informed and comfortable having these conversations, adds Dr. Cohen.

It’s good not to have all the answers.

“Your responsibility is not to be an encyclopedia and regurgitate facts for your children,” says Mateo Sharnbroich. Instead, you want to make two things clear to children: you are aware of gender and gender diversity; you like and accept people however they identify or express themselves. “This value system matters more than the ability to know and teach all the facts,” he says.

Don’t put off conversations in adolescence.

When it comes to talking about sex, gender identity and sexual orientation, Mateo Sharnbroich says there’s never a bad time to start. By age 3, most children know their gender, he notes. And while the understanding of sexuality comes later, that doesn’t mean you should refrain from discussing these topics. “Very young children can understand a variety of family structures,” he says.

Look for natural openings for conversation.

Your child’s questions and observations will often provide an opportunity to talk about gender and sexuality. For example, your preschooler may point out that a nuclear family is different from yours. Older children can talk about a friend whose gender identity is different from theirs. Children of all ages can make gender-based statements (ie “only girls like princesses”).

Be honest and age appropriate in your answers. Give preschoolers simple, concrete answers and encourage older children to share their own thoughts and perspectives. And note that with teens it can be helpful to ask questions. Even if they don’t respond right away, they’ll understand you’re open to discussion.

If the teaching moments and questions don’t happen on their own, encourage them through culture. Watching TV or reading age-appropriate LGBTQ + books together can start conversations and give parents the opportunity to share their values. “There are books and TV shows for children of all ages that show a diverse portrayal of gender identities,” says Mateo Sharnbroich. Think of them as your point of entry.

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Consider the ongoing conversations.

Release the notion of a one-off “big” discourse on everything to do with gender and gender identity. “You don’t have to sit down with your 5-year-old and talk about all types of sexuality,” says Mateo Sharnbroich. Instead, think of it as an ongoing discussion you are having, which may evolve and deepen as your child ages. It can help decrease your sense of urgency or stress.

If your child asks a question and you don’t know how to answer, you can research the answer together or tell your child that you will contact them again after researching, says Mateo Sharnbroich. No need to invent something.

Show unconditional love and encourage acceptance.

“State very clearly that your value system aligns with an inclusive and assertive approach,” says Mateo Sharnbroich. In other words: live your values, be tolerant, shout hateful language, avoid sexist phrases and assumptions, and show that your love for your child is great and unconditional.

RELATED: How to Celebrate and Learn About Pride All Year Long

Talking to the children who are out

For children, it can be uncomfortable to be the center of the conversation, notes Mateo Sharnbroich. Asking open-ended questions and speaking positively about diversity shows you accept, without shining the spotlight on your child as they share their sexual orientation or gender identity, he says.

Dr. Cohen recommends a few additional supportive behaviors:

  • Express your love: Coming out can be scary for kids (yes, again), so show your love, affection, and support.
  • Use appropriate language and pronouns: Respect and affirm your child’s name and pronouns. Likewise, allow them to wear clothes that support their gender identity.
  • Be welcoming: Invite your child’s LGBTQ + friends over to your home, make it a safe and welcoming space.
  • Participate in host communities: Make sure that all the organizations and institutions that your child interacts with (school, doctors, camp, sports, religious organizations, etc.) welcome both your child in particular and LGBTQ + people in general, as well as people with diverse gender identities.
  • Create links : Help your child meet other people from the LGBTQ + community.

Above all, speak openly about your child’s identity or direction. “Saying nothing can be hurtful,” says Dr. Cohen. Defend them against insults and negativity from others. Counter persistent myths by believing that your child can and will be happy as an LGBTQ + adult. And “tell them explicitly that they will have a good life,” he advises.

Useful resources for parents to talk to children about gender identity

Looking to learn more? There are many resources for parents available.

Planned parenthood

You will find advice by age for talking about sex and sexuality as well as sexual orientation and gender identity.

Project Trevor

Find an array of resources on how to show support, as well as answers to FAQs.

Genre Unicorn

The unicorn graphic illustration on this site, which is available in many languages, can help children discuss their gender identity, gender expression, and who they are physically and emotionally attracted to.

American Association for Sexual Health

A rich source of scientific facts on sex and sexuality, with a useful page focused on parents. ASHA is also behind the iwannaknow.org website, which provides information for adolescents and young adults.

Talk to your kids

The site Timeline guide offers advice on how parents and caregivers can talk to children about sex, sexuality and gender from birth.


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